Transitioning To Motherhood: Harder Than It Looks

I’m on the brink, but not quite there yet…

As I quickly approach 30, I’m looking around and getting a little anxious that I’m missing something.  I’ve got no plans of babies any time soon. Am I incorrect? Am I missing the motherly gene?

Friends, this is a vulnerable, openhearted discussion.  The subject has been heavy on my mind lately. So I am going to throw it all out there, and outline my thoughts for you.

I am on the verge of motherhood, but I just can’t seem to take the leap.

Before I dive into this, I want to make it clear for anyone reading that my comments are not meant to be rude or ignorant. I’m writing from an honest position. These are my sincere, real-life concerns.

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Any other not-yet-moms out there, I’m writing for you. The P2M’s larger audience?  If you’re a current, real-life-mom, this is simply offered as a unique perspective from those of us who are looking at you from the outside.

1). Life is Good (now).   

I’m stuck in my ways, and I’m okay with it. Life is really good for me right now.  Children bring with them a whole host of responsibilities for which I’m not quite ready to add.

Girl-Working-Out

[amazon_textlink asin=’B07DNLVCQ5′ text=’I love my routine‘ template=’ProductLink’ store=’poms2moms-20′ marketplace=’US’ link_id=’72227c57-a015-11e8-9f60-0d2ce5515e6a’], and the days I feel most satisfied are those when I’ve been ultra productive. My goal usually is threefold: something for my health, my academics, and my faith. When I accomplish something towards all three categories, I go to bed happy as a clam.

My concern about babies is the shock wave they will send to my routine.

Example:  [amazon_textlink asin=’B01NCSTCBK’ text=’If I love going to Crossfit‘ template=’ProductLink’ store=’poms2moms-20′ marketplace=’US’ link_id=’6eb17c3e-a016-11e8-8447-51abd951dabd’] from 0530-0630 in the morning and my husband is at the fire department, can I leave my baby at home alone to go to the gym?  But like, no, really. It’s the only time of day that works with my schedule, and there’s no childcare options that early. Am I not supposed to go to the gym? 

Honestly, I understand how that example may sound silly, but this is one demonstration of my thought process when considering beginning a family. I love my current routine. It suits me so well, and frankly I’m thriving off of my way of life. Why change it?

Acknowledging that I’m selfish, and rather set in my ways, I can’t bring myself to get excited about starting a family.

2). Great expectations.  

I was watching a cute YouTube video on a rescue dog one day.  The new owner described her dog: “She’s a great mother. All she cared about were her puppies.”  

PAUSE.

Is she a great mother because all she cared about was her puppies?  In other words, if you want to be a good mother, are kids your only priority?  Is the definition of a great mother one who doesn’t care about anything except her babies?  

I’m honestly asking.

Society has a funny way of placing expectations on you, even before you get pregnant, about motherhood. Attitudes, outfits, and lifestyles.  And respectfully, I’m not sure that other moms make it easy for each other either.

Woman-And-Dog

In the days of constant advertisements, TV, and social media, pictures of a perfect Sunday afternoon where kids look like angels sometimes do more harm than good.

It’s as though you are only a “good mom” if your house is clean, your kids are in matching clothes, and your hair is perfect.  It seems mandatory. We know that’s not always the case, but I can’t live like that.

Tell me how I’m supposed to be a “great mom” if I already barely squeak by.

An average of two of my meals every day are reheated in a microwave, my dog’s flea and tick regimen is sporadic at best, and (please) don’t ask my mom when I last called her

Adding a totally-dependent human to the mix, with such great expectations already laid out for me, causes additional hesitation to start a family.

3). I’m Not Motherly.

My sister is the kindest, most thoughtful human on the planet.  Caring for others comes so naturally to her. Cayla Embry, another P2M, is also one of these kind souls.

Me?  Nope. I’m kind but not considerate. I’m polite but put my priorities are first.  I have a different set of traits. I’m not a caretaker, at least in the normal sense of the word.  

The world seems to dictate that [amazon_textlink asin=’B00K7GO2V0′ text=’“good” moms are the loving, doting caretakers‘ template=’ProductLink’ store=’poms2moms-20′ marketplace=’US’ link_id=’90ebd7ac-a016-11e8-a563-bffa977ce50d’].  While reality may say otherwise, society still makes it seem black-or-white that those characteristics are mandatory. I fall on the wrong side of those paradigms.

This became clear to me during a personal, extremely emotional situation that caused my family a lot of concern.  While I’ll keep the details private, suffice it to say that the natural reaction would have been to melt into a pile of emotions.  However, the business, mission-oriented side of me took over.

I was practically crass to the despair of the situation and saw it as a problem I could fix.  Certainly not the response onlookers would expect from my gender.  This is the personality trait that makes me nervous about fitting in with motherly moms.

Why-Im-Not-Ready-To-Be-A-Mom

It seems like the moms that are so admired are the sympathetic, soft-hearted ones.[amazon_textlink asin=’B00HSV1FMG’ text=’Society doesn’t like the working, stern mom‘ template=’ProductLink’ store=’poms2moms-20′ marketplace=’US’ link_id=’eb8354d7-a015-11e8-95be-d94b83693701′]. I’m concerned that I’ll fail to meet the typecast that our community praises.

Of course I’ll love my kids, but my type of affection doesn’t necessarily comport with that of the acceptable, tender, doting mother.

Girl-With-Dog

This is the point that folks usually tell me, “It’ll be different when they are yours.”  I have a hard time believing that because I can’t imagine a world in which a baby = *poof* I’m a gentle, bleeding heart. I only wish it were that simple.

TO BRING THIS THING to a conclusion, here’s another genuine reason why I’m delaying motherhood:

I am terrified.

I don’t want to bring a baby into existence and watch them struggle with real-world problems.  I have my own internal monsters that rear up at inconvenient life moments. What’s to stop them from growing into a maniac, just like me? Surely my kids are also doomed.

Thanks for your patience and giving me an honest listen. Don’t hesitate to tell me how you really feel in the comments. Until next time, take care friends.

About The Author

Karey

Founder & author of the parenting & lifestyle blog, Poms2Moms. Licensed attorney, wife to a firefighter, and mom to a very furry and loveable, Caesar. Find me writing about my travels across the country, adventures in law, and life in the army. Cheers! – Karey

12 COMMENTS

  1. Veronika | 15th Aug 18

    I had very similar thoughts! And now here I am with two little ones. Thanks for sharing your thoughts! It’s fun for me to reflect on what I was feeling before having kids.

    • Karey | 17th Aug 18

      Thanks for the comment, Veronika. Hopefully one day I’m looking back on my own blog wondering what the big deal was. 🙂 Hope you’re doing well!

  2. Beth | 15th Aug 18

    If you choose to have a baby, I can’t say that you’ll magically be someone else’s definition of “maternal.” I think you’d be surprised at how much love you might feel for the baby. I love being a parent, but like anything, it requires compromise.

    There is room in this world for all kinds of moms, and no one should feel like that they have to be like all the other moms. I can tell you that my kids love me, despite never having a perfectly clean house.

    I’m wondering if you’d consider fostering or adopting an older child? Two of my sisters don’t have kids, and they are happy with that decision too. If you are loving your current life, you should not have kids to conform to other people’s expectations. But if you aren’t sure, take the time to figure it out. It helps if you and your husband are on the same page!

    • Karey | 17th Aug 18

      Beth, I appreciate your note a lot. Actually, I have always wanted to be a foster parent. I see a lot of young adults in my job that had a hard background and wonder how different their lives would be. Thank you for affirming my feelings. I admire your acknowledgement as to all the different type of moms out there, and it’s reassuring to hear feedback that perhaps not everyone is so black-and-white about it, after all.

  3. Whitney Franco | 15th Aug 18

    Love your honesty….I truly believe if there were more honest conversations and women being real about how difficult being a mom really is and how its scary and the emotions that surround it we would have more support which would make it a little easier to open up about what we experience!

    • Karey | 17th Aug 18

      Yes! I agree Whitney, and am hoping to risk a little to encourage open and candid discussions about women and the desire to start a family. It’s the least we can do to pay it forward to the future generation of young women. And I’m grateful for your encouragement and appreciation of my post. Makes it easier to open up and write more in the days to come!

  4. Brittany Phillips | 16th Aug 18

    Everything you’ve said here all the way down to questioning fitness routines with a baby to care for, sounds 100% like the way my sister-in-law would describe why she didn’t want children. In fact, she proclaimed for quite some time that she wasn’t at all interested in children. She now has a five month old son, and while she didn’t “poof” magically change into an overly maternal, doting mother, her adoration for her son and desire to give him the best of her has changed aspects of her life that she wasn’t previously willing to change.
    And for the record, I have much respect for someone who doesn’t fall into societal “norms” or peer pressure. I think you’re already doing the right thing for your (potential) future child/children by waiting until you’re ready rather than having a child sooner than you wish and possibly resenting the changes that would bring.
    Final thought from a total stranger: screw whoever says you have to be any certain, particular way to be a great mother. Great mothers love, care for, and provide for their children. There’s no right or wrong way to do that.

    • Karey | 17th Aug 18

      Brittany, I genuinely appreciate your comment and your note makes me feel hopeful. Hearing from “strangers” (although now you’re a P2M BFF, as far as I’m concerned) with words of encouragement and recognition that I am not doing everything in my life wrong has been very reassuring. This is especially true because it sounds as though your sister-in-law has made a successful transition, giving me some peace. Thank you for your generous thoughts!

  5. Amanda | 17th Aug 18

    This is so genuine, thank you for sharing!! I totally understand the points you made. There are days when I think what on earth did I get myself into?! But if I could encourage you at all…motherhood looks different for everyone. I’m sure no mom thinks of herself as perfect and its okay to bring little ones into our schedules instead of changing everything for them 🙂 but if you never feel called to motherhood, that’s OK. Its not selfish.

    • Karey | 20th Aug 18

      Thanks for the encouragement, Amanda. I hope when that day comes I’ll be able to find a routine that works both for momma and baby. I appreciate you sharing your experience, and hopefully throughout the blog we can keep the dialogue going — it’s an important subject. Hope you’re doing well!

  6. Johanne | 17th Aug 18

    I completely understand your fears. Sometimes I’m so undecided and other times I just know. I’ve always known I wanted to be a mom. That’s never something I doubted. But the fears you describe, I recognize. I’m also a little scared to give up the life I have now. I can’t even keep my own house clean, how will I ever be able to take care of a baby? But on the other hand, I know everything will be okay. Somehow!
    And no, I don’t think you’re a bad mom if you think about other things than your kids! I would love to be a mom who can be both, you know? Talk about my baby for 5 min, but also be able to talk about all the other things life has to offer. AND I want to keep traveling!

    I think it’s all about how you handle it. My best friend is very strict in her ways and doesn’t break routine with her kids. Another friend of mine is completely different and she’s already traveled the world together with her 7-month-old son and it she’s so happy with how it went!

    • Karey | 20th Aug 18

      Appreciate the comments, Johanne. I’m hoping that eventually everything will be okay too — deep in my heart I know it, while sometimes it’s hard to remember with external pressures mounting up. The support and feedback from you and other P2M readers has given me a much more grateful attitude. I think if we make it a goal to be able to raise our children, and also take time to care for ourselves, then we can have that well-rounded, balanced life. Thanks for the comment and hope you’re doing well!

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